The First Time my Worship Felt Real...
I went to a women’s retreat in another town and saw someone dancing with a flag. They were waving it around and I found it absolutely beautiful. She had several other flags laid out for others to use so I grabbed one and when I started dancing I really felt a touch of the Holy Spirit. I envisioned myself in the throne room of God dancing only for him. And it sounds strange but I felt like a little girl with no inhibitions dancing for joy with her daddy.
So in order to not see anybody looking at me, because that might have taken my eyes off of the father... I closed my eyes and that's how I pictured myself.
Then wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I made the decision to delve into this even deeper Satan came along and tried to snatch it away. I actually had an argument with my pastor’s wife in the parking lot of church the Sunday after the very same women's retreat. The argument had nothing to do with the way that I worship or the flags or anything to do with any of that. Looking back on it I'm actually embarrassed to admit that it even happened. Even in the midst of that argument I remember stopping myself and telling her I know that I'm wrong but I don't know why I feel this way. So then we had to recognize it for what it was... It was the enemy trying to steal what God was trying to do.
After we had prayed and I felt better church was already over. I remember driving home absolutely disgusted at the enemy for trying to steal something that was so beautiful from me. I'm not very good at sitting down and feeling sorry for myself.... So I decided to do something about it.
I went to Walmart right after church on that Sunday and I ended up in the fabric Department and I told my kids that we're going to make worship flags. It was almost like God knew that was going to happen because every piece of fabric that I needed every Supply that I needed was either on sale or in the remnant section. Isn't it interesting that I've made my first worship flags with the stuff that other people saw as unworthy or what they decided to discard?
Then I spent the rest of Sunday evening and the rest of the week making my worship flags. I still hadn't talked to my pastor or his wife about bringing them into our worship service... for some reason I was nervous to ask if that would be okay.
Then my husband sent me an e-mail, it’s a long story but he's incarcerated right now. He said that God had told him during a time of prayer that I had a Spirit of Dance upon me. That my worship is supposed to be boisterous and vibrant. You see in the past, my husband has had trouble with the way I worship God and how open and free it is. During that time of prayer he was trying to figure out why my worship embarrassed him so much and how he could overcome his embarrassment.
At the time, I hadn't discussed with him yet anything about the worship flags or the argument that I had with my pastor’s wife, or really anything about this whole subject. It was amazing to me that he would be the one to pass on the confirmation that I needed to go ahead and do this.
So I send a text message to the pastor’s wife apologizing again for our argument and telling her what I had been up to over the past week in making my worship flags. She was totally already over the argument, obviously... Because she recognized it for what it was, a spiritual attack. With regards to the flags she said that it sounded cool and that she would ask her husband what he thought. Then less than 10 minutes later I got a text message from her saying that her husband said, “It's cool so go for it....”
So I went for it. The first couple of Sundays, it was difficult because I was afraid of what everybody else in the congregation might say. I did the same thing that I did at the women's retreat which is to close my eyes and put myself back into the throne room in front of my heavenly father... Then it was easy.... It flowed from a place that has been longing to be expressed. Every time I worship this way I feel him smiling at me and the self-conscious feelings disappear.
I finally feel like I'm actually worshiping God for the first time since I was born again.